Runaway

Over the years I have curated the perfect set of songs to send me into what is best summed up as a stand still. Lying in bed with the lights off staring at the ceiling and blasting the most gut-wrenching music known to man. Common experience for most people around my age group. It is sad to think that everyone could be feeling the same pit in their stomach as me at the same time, but there is also something so beautiful about humans having that kind of shared experience. I believe that is where things start to get scary though; no originality in anything you have discovered due to someone else already discovering it. Even though this is the most likely outcome the genuine rush of excitement that is received when you introduce part of your world to another individual is something money could never buy.

When I think of a time where I showed my world to someone new, I think of Runaway by Kanye West. I never used to understand the depth of the song, but as I have gotten older it just clicks. I shared this piece of me, although the song makes me feel like a wreck, and the memory is something I often think about when I am in this stand still moments. It is crazy thinking about how so much of what you shared with others can come back to stab you in the chest at night. When the world you shared with someone else gets robbed from you in a way, when the life you shared gets forgotten, and when you have nothing else but yourself to fix the world that was once complete. "I never was much of a romantic, I could never take the intimacy." The part of this song that made me feel like I was sharing myself with a stranger. Ironic because I have always thought of myself as a romantic, but I have realized my constant flaw of feeling like I am undeserving. If you don't know who you are being able to receive any sort of compassion or romance will be one of the hardest things you will face. I believe this plays a part in why it has always been so impossible to rebuild my world.

No one ever talks about how hard it is to rebuild a world you never thought was going to be destroyed.